Recently I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety and depression. For anyone who suffers with these knows how debilitating it can be. And for those who don’t a small percentage of those people really don’t understand it and that’s why I’m writing this blog.
For some reason the word DEPRESSION has such a stigma with it and it is almost a dirty word, some people just say “get on with it” or my favourite “just get over it” if you were physically hurt you’d want to get better so why not get your brain better?
Depressed people are often thought of as lazy, or people who just over think things, sometimes the latter is true as your mind really does go into overdrive but it also has physical impacts on you. The tiredness is undesirable, all you want to do is sleep and doing the simplest of tasks is like running a marathon!
More and more people are battling with their minds on a daily basis and as its mental health awareness week I’m going to be honest how it effects me. Until December last year I didn’t really struggle with depression or anxiety, id always had my issues with food and was always worried about what other people thought of me but other than that I was ‘fine’
In December 2019 I had some tests done for Addisons Disease which is a life limiting illness which also causes infertility in women, thankfully the test results were negative but this didn’t stop my head from going through all different scenarios of what could happen, I suddenly felt like I wasn’t worthy to be with my partner as If I couldn’t give him children why would he want to be with me, but he was amazing and reassured me of what ever the outcome was we’d get through it together. 3 weeks of tourture later the results were back and it was like a huge weight off my shoulder.
A week later my world ended, it was 2nd January and our beloved puppy Willa died unexpectedly, people say oh its just a dog or aren’t you over that yet or you’ve got to move on.. do you know what? no I don’t have to move on. We decided to get Willa a week into our relationship which was an extremely large step but we both knew it was the right one to take, she was our baby and she went everywhere with us and especially with me! Loosing Willa took me to places that I have never been before, I went down the route of over exercising and counting the calories in and out, I’d be running and walking up to 12 miles a day. Everyday, it ruined my body but felt like it was the only thing I could control.. for the first time ever I can safely say I didn’t want to be here any more I just wanted her. I’ve never told anyone that and putting it in to words makes it sound so weird and drastic. Our other fur baby Mabel (along with my partner and parents) picked me up from rock bottom along with two other puppies.. Maiya who we rescued 3 days after Willa had died, I really wasn’t ready for another dog but I couldn’t leave her. And then 3 weeks later we welcomed our planned spotty puppy Dora.
I wouldn’t eat, sit in the house all day with no heating on, just numb and waiting to feel something… anything! It took me 5 months to pluck up the courage to go to the doctors because I was petrified of being labeled as DEPRESSED.. they put me on happy tablets and it was the best thing I did, for me it only took me 3 months to get my mind into a more stable state where I felt like I could wean myself off them and I was grateful at the time of the zombie like state that they allowed me to be in to enable my mind to recover but gave me severe anxiety I didn’t want to go out I felt sick if there was so much of a knock at the door!
I am extremely lucky to have such an amazing, supporting partner and family who really gave me the strength and courage to get myself and my mind better, if you’re reading this and you are struggling with depression or think you might be then you’re not alone, someone loves you and you can get through this.. its just a journey that you will come out of soooo much stronger!
– C I love you so much, thank you for always seeing the good in me, getting me through the impossible and agreeing to spend the rest of your days with me im so excited to see what this rollercoaster called life brings us