Bad Romances..

Finding someone is hard enough at the best of times but when you’re autistic I think it’s even harder. I know I’ve written a blog along similar lines before but I wanted to write a bit more about it,as instead of finding a man I seem to be enquiring more and more cats…

Because of the Aspergers I’m not even sure of who I am myself so how can I expect someone else to know me as everyday I find out something about myself that I never knew.

For someone else to know the ins and outs of my life would be very strange, my weird little habits would be there for other people to see like a circus… I’ve always had trouble letting people in and not being able to trust them after being hurt a lot previously so this doesn’t help matters but the fear of someone judging me is just nauseating and that’s not just in romantic situations but even with friends and social circles.

A huge part of aspergers is routine and having someone come into my life and mess up my routine is terrifying and massively out of my comfort zone.

The strange thing is, i myself would be reluctant to date someone with aspergers because if we’re both nervous control freaks who never want to go out of their comfort zone how would we be able to have a successful relationship, it would be a disaster!

I hope one day I’ll find someone who loves me for who I am and what I believe in.

B x

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Its ok not to be ok…

One of the things i have always struggled with is the fact that i cant handle big groups of friends, when i was in ‘high school’ i dreamed of being like a less bitchy Regina George… beautiful, popular, feared but yet still loved and constantly surrounded by people, but  i was the weird curly haired glasses wearing girl that sat in the corner by herself  every lunch break.

I really struggled in school not only with friends but my body image, teenage boys were mean and i left school with no self confidence which led me down a slippery slope to not eating and not leaving the house for months on end which was horrendous. It continued into my college years when i eventually had to leave because of it.. i just call it my early gap yahh.

6 years later im finally starting to feel good about myself with the help of a hell of a lot of make up (and snapchat filters) and my new found friends and long suffering family.

i know i’ve done a post about YFC (Young Farmers for those who don’t know) before but i really cant thank the people in it enough as you have made me get the confidence to do things i could only dream about doing in those dark and gloomy years before. I know that im never going to be one of those super popular people but in a way im glad. I’ve got some amazing friends and best friends who i know are there for me.

one thing i continue to struggle with awfully with my anxiety and would love to know if fellow asper boys and girls do to.. I would love to be able to go on a wild night out in the local town but the crowds and the little voice prevent me from doing that, its frustrating as its perceived as a normal thing to do and some people don’t understand why i cant.. well how can they if even i don’t. I can go to a YFC dance with 100’s of people in it but i cant go on a night out.. oh how the autistic mind works!

this weeks blog was a bit all over the shop this week so apologies for it not being on one subject but i hope you enjoyed it!

B x

Work work work 

Having only recently starting to talk to my employers about my Aspergers due to fear of not getting the job due to stereotyping  I thought this week I thought I would write about something that really annoys me, and that is the amount of support there is available when you’re over 18 and in the workplace..

To be blunt there is none, well very little. You’d expect now that Aspergers and Autism is becoming more well known that the would be a strong support network but there isn’t. Besides groups on Facebook there’s nothing when you’re over 18 which I think is more important than having it when you’re in school as you’re out in the big scary wide world. 

I’ve had a mixture of jobs and totally different ranges of support. In one job a high street company that sells what your reading this on (not naming as I really can’t afford a law suit!) I was honest to my manager about having autism and he accused me of making it up having seen no evidence (I’m obviously meant to have it branded on me.. or get a certificate?) perhaps it would read “congratulations you don’t have a normal brain!”  This outraged me.. what would I get out of making it up! Anyway the job from hell ended and I’m back farming.. 

finally someone who bothered to ask about my Aspergers and find out about it! How refreshing! 

I think someone should set up an organisation that goes into the workplace and tells people about it and how your brain works differently as it’s frustrating people not understanding you and how your brain works as it does work so different! 

I’m not normal and I’m proud of it! 

Sorry that it’s a bit early this week.. young farmers club tomorrow!

B x 

Back in the bad old days

After a few months away I’m BACK! 

 When I was in school and a lot younger I had a lot of problems, autism and Aspergers is famously hard to diagnose and up until recently was relatively unheard of. 

Right from the start I had trouble with making friends, something to this day I still struggle with. People just didn’t get me and thought I was being unruly and ‘weird’ I’d always get into trouble for saying and doing the wrong thing.. (still happens now but alcohol tends to be the cause now) 

Fast forward a few years and it’s a new school and what I wished for was a new me, my secondary school was the ones who diagnosed me with my autism and for that I can’t thank them enough, but truth be told they were arse holes for not supporting me through it and helping me and my class mates under stand it. Which was so fustrating.

I wanted the first new blog to be a bit of an apology to those I went to school with as I was not a nice girl during school years. I would lash out be it verbally or physically and that wasn’t fair. 

I think more needs to be done to raise awareness of autism and aspergers in the school and work environment as it something that affects you from the day you’re born until the day you die. When you try and be honest with people about it you get a mixed reaction of oh you wouldn’t think you have it or my favourite.. which still makes me angry today 

“she’s probably making it up for attention” Believe me now when I say this if I was going to make something up I will probably be something cool like a unicorn not an autistic twentysomething! 

I’m going to start writing my blog but every two weeks and some new ideas would be lush! 

Hope you enjoyed me being back! Thanks for reading 

B x 

Why the negative press..

So first of all I must apologise for the lateness of this weeks blog, I have been crazy busy!

To be honest this week I was struggling for topics but then an article came up on Facebook relating to a celebrity’s daughter. She has autism, although it being a little more severe than mine and earlier diagnosed than mine. I was amazed upon reading the article how much it actually wound me up, he was acting like it was a death sentence for his daughter saying it’s important to stop mourning the child that they thought they had

Autism is not a death sentence like he’s making out and this is why I think people with the condition struggle so much in life due to all the bad press it gets, I don’t know if he’s done it dare I say for attention or money but he shouldn’t be ashamed because his daughters brain works in a different way to others, he should be proud! Although he says embrace the child that you now have why would you need to mourn one that you don’t have, god has given you the gift of an aspergirl so embrace and celebrate it!

Programmes such as the undateables, although very good and are doing a wonderful thing to find people with learning disabilities a relationship only show the more severe side of Aspergers and are almost used to a comedic value. Although seriously considering applying for the next series at an attempt to find love, I do think they take advantage of the people on it as it leaves them extremely vulnerable to social media ridicule and people quite frankly taking the piss out of them which isn’t fair as they’re only trying to do what ‘normal’ people find easy.. finding love! 

I’ve never been particularly lucky in love but that’s a topic for another week..or maybe two! 

I don’t know why autism has such a bad label both in the press and in the real world at the end of the day just because someone’s brain works differently doesn’t mean they should be laughed at or even outcast in some cultures. People with autism excell in both the creative and Academic world and are often top of the league (and some of the best paid!) so even more reason to celebrate being an Aspergirl!

If anyone wants me to discuss any particular thing or way my autism effects me feel free to comment and I’ll write a whole blog! 

See you next week! 

B x 

Up quicker than a bottle of pop!

To say I struggle with my temper would probably be biggest understatement of the century. It it’s always been something I have struggled with and probably always will be, The simplest of things will send me from Beyoncé to Amanda Bynes in about 0.2 seconds… for anyone how is too young to know who Amanda Bynes is she’s basically bat crap CRAZY!

Although autism and Asperger are heard of, the effects that is has on the person is less publicised,and especially the effect it has on girls. I started this blog not as an excuse but as an explanation of why I might react differently or not appreciate the ‘banter’.

An autistic brain works differently to that of a normal person, the social and emotional communications are reduced which is pretty self explanatory really. An autistic person can’t really read facial expressions, emotional expressions and struggle in social situations which I talked about in my last blog. 

Although not wanting to really moan about autism but one thing that does annoy me about it is the inability to read facial expressions, although not a nice thing to compare it to its almost like being blind, imagine going into social situation and not being able to read anything about the person not been able to see how they think to see how they feel it’s awful and I hate it. I always get my my friends to tell me when they’ve had enough or if I’m being a bit of a dick to be honest which I am quite often and I appreciate them doing this, I’d rather them be honest with me than me piss them off or upset them.

I often compare myself to Jack Russell not calling myself a dog although, for some people that don’t like me that may be a comparison you may like. I am extremely loyal to any of my friends and family  and will go to the end of the Earth for them and if anyone hurts them I will hurt them or if anyone hurts me I will hurt them. This has got me into trouble quite a lot as you can probably imagine I tend to not have a filter on my mouth and tend  just to say exactly how I feel and what I’m thinking..and if I think that you got a problem with me I will probably confront you about it. Which in a way I like about myself because I like to know where i  stand with people and would rather deal with the problem and just pussyfoot around it then for the issue to become bigger.

My temper even affect my family life there’s not a day goes by when we don’t have an argument and it will probably caused by me and my very short fuse. I have tried countless breathing methods and all that bullshit even been to see some help about it but the one place and person that can guarantee to calm me down is … My grandma, she’s my best friend and my biggest role model in life, I can talk to her about anything and she’ll listen and I don’t know what I’d do without her, I would  probably be a very nasty bitter person without her, and this blog wouldn’t exist as she encouraged me to write it and is my biggest fan! I hope that I make her proud not only in the blog but day to day!… Love you Grandma 😘

Isn’t she the words trendiest grandma! 

B x 

Autistic people CAN be social

Of the most common misconceptions you come across when  you tell people that you’re autistic is the surprise when they discover that you go out be it socially on a night out or just generally.. i don’t know what else they expect me to do, just because i have Asperger’s doesn’t mean I should hide away for years on end and just let life pass me by.

I intend to do the opposite, i want to grab life by the balls and cease every opportunity that passes me. i don’t want to end up 50 and have 100 cats which will probably eat me when i die.

For those that know me will know that im a member of Young Farmers. As cringey as this is about to sound I often think that young farmers saved me. One of my friends persuaded me to join when I was having a very dark period. I weighed about 6 stone went days without eating and months without going out. Even the simplest things such as going to the doctors or going to the supermarket would be a massive thing and would cause me so much stress you wouldn’t believe i was literally a shadow of my former self. Eating disorders are 46% more likely in people that have autism, although never diagnosed with anything looking back i knew I had an issue. Now I eat like a horse and tend to cost my grandma a fortune and put on about 1000 stone when I go and stay with her but grandma’s food is always the best food!

Young farmers has introduced me to so many amazing people, not only locally but within the county.  Its often described as a social club with a drinking problem.. this is the biggest understatement ever! The various competitions that take place allow the competitive side of me to pounce out and then the creative side allows my autistic brain to run wild!

Although I still struggle with crowds and being a HUGE control freak i’m so proud of the journey i have taken with the help of my amazing family and YFC family. It has not only accepted me for who i am but also allowed me to flourish and  to have a purpose.

My liver doesn’t like the decision as much to join as i do but it is honestly the best thing i have ever done and i cant entourage people enough it do it as you genuinely make friends for life!

B x


 

 

Worrying for the whole world..

For those that know me will know that if worrying was an Olympic sport I would be a gold medalist world champion.. I love to worry, id worry if I wasn’t worrying, it’s makes me poorly the amount I do and I know if I’m not careful I’ll probably give myself a stroke or heart attack. This is a major factor and a major link with Autism. ( can’t believe how many times I just used the word worry in one paragraph)

I’ve been known to worry about things weeks or even months before they even happen, even simple things like going away for a day out where I haven’t been before will cause an uncontrollable amont of worry. Just the whole thought of going somewhere new and not knowing what is going to happen.

Few things in this world can calm me down but the one thing that does is being on the farm with the girls and especially Beryl. For those who don’t know Beryl is my pet cow and a boyfriend replacement emotionally.  I’ve even attached a cute photo.
I love the farm as it has one thing in common with autism.. routine! An aspergirl’s dream. Although there are different jobs on the farm a lot of them are the same thing each week and milking is at the same time everyday, Id love to tell you why routine is so important to those with aspergers but I don’t know why.. it makes me relaxed and the ability to know where you have to be hour by hour is lush (unless a cow decides to get stuck and bugger the job up..)

At the risk of sounding like a loon I think cows are such amazing animals, they’re so chilled out and just mellow and it’s amazing how their energy gets relayed onto you, they’ve saved me from myself a few times be it from having bad stages with my eating or just mentally (although humans have been pretty helpful there too) they calm me down and give me passion to do well both for them and myself and people who have given me the chance.. Having things rely on you be it the cows, calves etc gives such a purpose and I love it so so much.

B x

How blunt is too blunt?

For those who know me will know that I tend to speak my mind and have no filter what so ever, this often gets me into trouble but I love it. It is part of aspergers but I think it’s me too and as much as I would love to, I can’t blame it all on autism.

I was talking to a lady in Penhaligons today and she was just as blunt as me, she was finding me a new fragrance which won’t be named in case someone wears it and I don’t want to I insult anyone .. anyway I digress, this perfume was £138 and I said it smelt like toilet cleaner, she laughed thinking I was joking. I wasn’t. It was mingin. 

The one reason I love being blunt is being able to know where I stand with people… if I think someone has a problem with me I’ll ask them, and not pussy foot about it.. I’m getting old and can’t be dealing with childish people anymore and also people who can’t be bothered with me. I don’t want fake friends and they probably don’t want me. 

Although I struggle with learning when to stop and when people find the joke isn’t funny or it’s not appropriate anymore. Reading people is hard anyway but even harder when you’re an aspergirl.

Now my big gob does get me into trouble (not in that way cheeky) is having no filter. If I think someone looks like a bloody car crash or like coco the clown then I will tell them. Now some people in the shop don’t take too kindly to this (joking.. or am I?) I tend to literally just say what’s on my mind. Appropriate or not. 

This also tends to escalate after I have had a bervage and even my facial expressions get me into trouble, I tend to use my face a lot for expressions, not including the double chins some of you may receive on Snapchat! I tend to look at people and think something in my head but the expression on my face is totally different and tends to make people think I’m either looking down at them or being a bit of a bitch.. if you have ever recived one of these looks then I apologise as it wasn’t meant as anything it’s simply my brain trying to process everything as normally but after a few bevvys which is never easy for a lightweight to do! 

The one thing that can make me quiet is talking about sex. It makes me feel so awkward it’s unreal. I went to get a bra today and couldn’t even speak to the lady just made a series of noises and hand gestures, made no eye contact and handed her £30 and ran away as quick as possible. I know the whole eye contact part is part of Austism but other than that I’m stumped on where the awkwardness has come from! 

I’m happy with my bluntness although I wish I could put a bit of a filter on it and just be able to read people a bit more for their sake more than mine! 

B x 

What’s love got to do with it?

So this weeks topic isn’t really about my austism.. well it kind of is but this week we have a new topic of focus! Sex (or rather the lack of it) in my life. Firstly I have to apologise to my grandma and parents who I know read my blog for any awkwardness that they are about to read.

I’ve always been brought up to believe that sex is something you do when you’re in love and the result of that love is a baby and due to this I’ve decided to wait until I’m married. Recently I’ve noticed that sex is becoming more and more casual..be it from an arranged thing on tinder or after a few beverages on a Friday night (or Saturday.. or any other night if you’re a student) and also that the people having it are a lot younger.. like 13/14?! Seriously can’t even believe that’s happening, when I was their age I was more worried about passing a spelling test not a pregnancy test!

Yes I’ve done things with guys.. I’m not that tragic but never felt ready enough to go the whole way, I’ve come close but knew the guy was using me and that he quite frankly didn’t give a shite about me so I thought why should I do it with someone who is using me, rather than for someone who loves me and is prepared to stick by me. I think this is something that youngsters need to know and think about as sex is loosing its love.

Younger girls also seem to be growing up a lot quicker (and skipping the ugly phrase with dodgy make up.. c’mon girls where’s the electric blue eyeshadow and false eyelashes that look like you have a ferret on top of your eye) I don’t know how much of this is do to with society or if it’s some sick evolution thing.. if it’s the latter stop the world I want to get off now. On a serious note mental health and eating disorders rates have sky rocketed these past few years (knew I’d be able to get a link in somewhere) and this is something that needs to stop.

Dont get me wrong I’m not shaming people that have casual sex, I kind of envy them in a way and think that they’re brave doing it, as it can’t be easy emotionally, having someone wanting a physical relationship but not emotional or monogamous one!

I hope one day I can find a man that is mentally stable (or insane) enough to marry me but for now I guess the main man in my life is the cat. Sorry for the lack of Asper life this week.. back to normal next week!

B x