The Great great DEPRESSION

Recently I’ve been really struggling with my anxiety and depression. For anyone who suffers with these knows how debilitating it can be. And for those who don’t a small percentage of those people really don’t understand it and that’s why I’m writing this blog.

For some reason the word DEPRESSION has such a stigma with it and it is almost a dirty word, some people just say “get on with it” or my favourite “just get over it” if you were physically hurt you’d want to get better so why not get your brain better?

Depressed people are often thought of as lazy, or people who just over think things, sometimes the latter is true as your mind really does go into overdrive but it also has physical impacts on you. The tiredness is undesirable, all you want to do is sleep and doing the simplest of tasks is like running a marathon!

More and more people are battling with their minds on a daily basis and as its mental health awareness week I’m going to be honest how it effects me. Until December last year I didn’t really struggle with depression or anxiety, id always had my issues with food and was always worried about what other people thought of me but other than that I was ‘fine’

In December 2019 I had some tests done for Addisons Disease which is a life limiting illness which also causes infertility in women, thankfully the test results were negative but this didn’t stop my head from going through all different scenarios of what could happen, I suddenly felt like I wasn’t worthy to be with my partner as If I couldn’t give him children why would he want to be with me, but he was amazing and reassured me of what ever the outcome was we’d get through it together. 3 weeks of tourture later the results were back and it was like a huge weight off my shoulder.

A week later my world ended, it was 2nd January and our beloved puppy Willa died unexpectedly, people say oh its just a dog or aren’t you over that yet or you’ve got to move on.. do you know what? no I don’t have to move on. We decided to get Willa a week into our relationship which was an extremely large step but we both knew it was the right one to take, she was our baby and she went everywhere with us and especially with me! Loosing Willa took me to places that I have never been before, I went down the route of over exercising and counting the calories in and out, I’d be running and walking up to 12 miles a day. Everyday, it ruined my body but felt like it was the only thing I could control.. for the first time ever I can safely say I didn’t want to be here any more I just wanted her. I’ve never told anyone that and putting it in to words makes it sound so weird and drastic. Our other fur baby Mabel (along with my partner and parents) picked me up from rock bottom along with two other puppies.. Maiya who we rescued 3 days after Willa had died, I really wasn’t ready for another dog but I couldn’t leave her. And then 3 weeks later we welcomed our planned spotty puppy Dora.

I wouldn’t eat, sit in the house all day with no heating on, just numb and waiting to feel something… anything! It took me 5 months to pluck up the courage to go to the doctors because I was petrified of being labeled as DEPRESSED.. they put me on happy tablets and it was the best thing I did, for me it only took me 3 months to get my mind into a more stable state where I felt like I could wean myself off them and I was grateful at the time of the zombie like state that they allowed me to be in to enable my mind to recover but gave me severe anxiety I didn’t want to go out I felt sick if there was so much of a knock at the door!

I am extremely lucky to have such an amazing, supporting partner and family who really gave me the strength and courage to get myself and my mind better, if you’re reading this and you are struggling with depression or think you might be then you’re not alone, someone loves you and you can get through this.. its just a journey that you will come out of soooo much stronger!

– C I love you so much, thank you for always seeing the good in me, getting me through the impossible and agreeing to spend the rest of your days with me im so excited to see what this rollercoaster called life brings us

 

B x

The label that comes with it..

For years I kept my Aspergers a secret, and people often ask me why..

it’s only in the last 15 or so years that Aspergers and autism have actually become a thing as such, before that it was relatively unheard of!

As soon as you tell someone that you’re autistic you can tell that they automatically view you in a different way, it’s like they feel some degree of pitty for you or something and that they have to tip toe around the subject in order not to offend or to some extent, provoke.. people are more precious now a days (god I sound old) which I think is why all this jazz about vegans, racism etc is kicking off!

Even when I was working in the sales industry or making new friends I’d try and hide this huge secret because I was worried what people might think of me. I was worried that they would think I’m some massive weirdo and that I’d be ostracised because of it but the people in my life don’t care about it because it makes me, me!

Even in young farmers there was mixed reviews, some have been amazingly supportive and read my blogs but others accuse me of making it all up for attention and that it makes me weird.

The bad press that Asperger has as well doesn’t help.Paddy McGuinness’s child has Aspergers and his wife always goes on tv and makes out like it is some kind of death sentence and again something to be ashamed of and how she wished that she didn’t have it. They should embrace it as it does have its bonus’s, I see things completely different to what other people do and I love it!

The thing I struggle with is the name calling, especially from people that you wouldn’t expect. The whole “autistic Bryony” thing is extremely hurtful and reminds me of why I kept it all a secret for so long, but then I think.. who cares! I’m out and I’m proud! Autism isn’t something to ashamed of it’s something to celebrate! And that’s what I’m trying to do with my blogs!

Thank you to all the people who support me everyday!

B x

A big life change

As you get older the more your life changes and the more drastic the changes come. In the last six months my life has literally been turned around. I met my wonderful amazing boyfriend who I’ve now moved in with (and work with) so we literally spend every moment of the day together and who loves me for who I am.

To be honest I always thought that I’d be single forever which is a pretty dramatic quote for a 22 year old to say but with my autism and the way it effects me reading people and the way they feel as well as certain religious beliefs I thought I was destined for the crazy cat lady life.

When we first started talking I was worried about being known as “autistic Bryony” a label that I hate as autism doesn’t define a person and it’s not something you choose to have, after all why should I get called names just because my brain works differently. Another worry for me was how he would cope with my autistic qwerks which not even I can cope with sometimes. Struggling in crowds, being a massive control freak and also not being able to cope with going away from home for more than a few hours let alone a night.

But some how we over came the mental obstacles and I moved in.When someone goes out of their way to make you feel so at home and gets things for you to make you feel at home and accepts you for who you are it goes to show that there really is someone out there for everyone. Plus he bought a puppy (Willa) so I needed to be there for cuddles so that made it easier. Colin really does deserve a medal for putting up with me and I love him dearly.

Adapting into the whole working and being a housewife at the same time thing as well as moving in is a huge thing for anyone let alone someone autistic. A huge shout out to my mum at this point as I never realised how hard it was to juggle a full time job, cook 2 meals a day and clean.. all whilst trying to look calm and collected.

This kind of life change is one that you’d expect your best friends to support you in and not abandon you just because they felt you didn’t have time for them, when the fact was I didn’t have time for me let alone anyone else. This was heartbreaking and still breaks my heart now, but hey it’s life and I’ve still got plenty of people there for me, times like these you find out who your real friends are and I’ve got lots of memories to keep from old ones.

I’m sorry for such a long blog and I’ll try and keep doing them more regularly.

Shout out to anyone reading this that thinks they’re single for life, you’re not! If I can find love anyone can!

B x

A smiling Willa to make your day a bit better!

Bad Romances..

Finding someone is hard enough at the best of times but when you’re autistic I think it’s even harder. I know I’ve written a blog along similar lines before but I wanted to write a bit more about it,as instead of finding a man I seem to be enquiring more and more cats…

Because of the Aspergers I’m not even sure of who I am myself so how can I expect someone else to know me as everyday I find out something about myself that I never knew.

For someone else to know the ins and outs of my life would be very strange, my weird little habits would be there for other people to see like a circus… I’ve always had trouble letting people in and not being able to trust them after being hurt a lot previously so this doesn’t help matters but the fear of someone judging me is just nauseating and that’s not just in romantic situations but even with friends and social circles.

A huge part of aspergers is routine and having someone come into my life and mess up my routine is terrifying and massively out of my comfort zone.

The strange thing is, i myself would be reluctant to date someone with aspergers because if we’re both nervous control freaks who never want to go out of their comfort zone how would we be able to have a successful relationship, it would be a disaster!

I hope one day I’ll find someone who loves me for who I am and what I believe in.

B x

Its ok not to be ok…

One of the things i have always struggled with is the fact that i cant handle big groups of friends, when i was in ‘high school’ i dreamed of being like a less bitchy Regina George… beautiful, popular, feared but yet still loved and constantly surrounded by people, but  i was the weird curly haired glasses wearing girl that sat in the corner by herself  every lunch break.

I really struggled in school not only with friends but my body image, teenage boys were mean and i left school with no self confidence which led me down a slippery slope to not eating and not leaving the house for months on end which was horrendous. It continued into my college years when i eventually had to leave because of it.. i just call it my early gap yahh.

6 years later im finally starting to feel good about myself with the help of a hell of a lot of make up (and snapchat filters) and my new found friends and long suffering family.

i know i’ve done a post about YFC (Young Farmers for those who don’t know) before but i really cant thank the people in it enough as you have made me get the confidence to do things i could only dream about doing in those dark and gloomy years before. I know that im never going to be one of those super popular people but in a way im glad. I’ve got some amazing friends and best friends who i know are there for me.

one thing i continue to struggle with awfully with my anxiety and would love to know if fellow asper boys and girls do to.. I would love to be able to go on a wild night out in the local town but the crowds and the little voice prevent me from doing that, its frustrating as its perceived as a normal thing to do and some people don’t understand why i cant.. well how can they if even i don’t. I can go to a YFC dance with 100’s of people in it but i cant go on a night out.. oh how the autistic mind works!

this weeks blog was a bit all over the shop this week so apologies for it not being on one subject but i hope you enjoyed it!

B x

Work work work

Having only recently starting to talk to my employers about my Aspergers due to fear of not getting the job due to stereotyping  I thought this week I thought I would write about something that really annoys me, and that is the amount of support there is available when you’re over 18 and in the workplace..

To be blunt there is none, well very little. You’d expect now that Aspergers and Autism is becoming more well known that the would be a strong support network but there isn’t. Besides groups on Facebook there’s nothing when you’re over 18 which I think is more important than having it when you’re in school as you’re out in the big scary wide world. 

I’ve had a mixture of jobs and totally different ranges of support. In one job a high street company that sells what your reading this on (not naming as I really can’t afford a law suit!) I was honest to my manager about having autism and he accused me of making it up having seen no evidence (I’m obviously meant to have it branded on me.. or get a certificate?) perhaps it would read “congratulations you don’t have a normal brain!”  This outraged me.. what would I get out of making it up! Anyway the job from hell ended and I’m back farming.. 

finally someone who bothered to ask about my Aspergers and find out about it! How refreshing! 

I think someone should set up an organisation that goes into the workplace and tells people about it and how your brain works differently as it’s frustrating people not understanding you and how your brain works as it does work so different! 

I’m not normal and I’m proud of it! 

Sorry that it’s a bit early this week.. young farmers club tomorrow!

B x 

Back in the bad old days

After a few months away I’m BACK! 

 When I was in school and a lot younger I had a lot of problems, autism and Aspergers is famously hard to diagnose and up until recently was relatively unheard of. 

Right from the start I had trouble with making friends, something to this day I still struggle with. People just didn’t get me and thought I was being unruly and ‘weird’ I’d always get into trouble for saying and doing the wrong thing.. (still happens now but alcohol tends to be the cause now) 

Fast forward a few years and it’s a new school and what I wished for was a new me, my secondary school was the ones who diagnosed me with my autism and for that I can’t thank them enough, but truth be told they were arse holes for not supporting me through it and helping me and my class mates under stand it. Which was so fustrating.

I wanted the first new blog to be a bit of an apology to those I went to school with as I was not a nice girl during school years. I would lash out be it verbally or physically and that wasn’t fair. 

I think more needs to be done to raise awareness of autism and aspergers in the school and work environment as it something that affects you from the day you’re born until the day you die. When you try and be honest with people about it you get a mixed reaction of oh you wouldn’t think you have it or my favourite.. which still makes me angry today 

“she’s probably making it up for attention” Believe me now when I say this if I was going to make something up I will probably be something cool like a unicorn not an autistic twentysomething! 

I’m going to start writing my blog but every two weeks and some new ideas would be lush! 

Hope you enjoyed me being back! Thanks for reading 

B x 

Why the negative press..

So first of all I must apologise for the lateness of this weeks blog, I have been crazy busy!

To be honest this week I was struggling for topics but then an article came up on Facebook relating to a celebrity’s daughter. She has autism, although it being a little more severe than mine and earlier diagnosed than mine. I was amazed upon reading the article how much it actually wound me up, he was acting like it was a death sentence for his daughter saying it’s important to stop mourning the child that they thought they had

Autism is not a death sentence like he’s making out and this is why I think people with the condition struggle so much in life due to all the bad press it gets, I don’t know if he’s done it dare I say for attention or money but he shouldn’t be ashamed because his daughters brain works in a different way to others, he should be proud! Although he says embrace the child that you now have why would you need to mourn one that you don’t have, god has given you the gift of an aspergirl so embrace and celebrate it!

Programmes such as the undateables, although very good and are doing a wonderful thing to find people with learning disabilities a relationship only show the more severe side of Aspergers and are almost used to a comedic value. Although seriously considering applying for the next series at an attempt to find love, I do think they take advantage of the people on it as it leaves them extremely vulnerable to social media ridicule and people quite frankly taking the piss out of them which isn’t fair as they’re only trying to do what ‘normal’ people find easy.. finding love! 

I’ve never been particularly lucky in love but that’s a topic for another week..or maybe two! 

I don’t know why autism has such a bad label both in the press and in the real world at the end of the day just because someone’s brain works differently doesn’t mean they should be laughed at or even outcast in some cultures. People with autism excell in both the creative and Academic world and are often top of the league (and some of the best paid!) so even more reason to celebrate being an Aspergirl!

If anyone wants me to discuss any particular thing or way my autism effects me feel free to comment and I’ll write a whole blog! 

See you next week! 

B x 

Up quicker than a bottle of pop!

To say I struggle with my temper would probably be biggest understatement of the century. It it’s always been something I have struggled with and probably always will be, The simplest of things will send me from Beyoncé to Amanda Bynes in about 0.2 seconds… for anyone how is too young to know who Amanda Bynes is she’s basically bat crap CRAZY!

Although autism and Asperger are heard of, the effects that is has on the person is less publicised,and especially the effect it has on girls. I started this blog not as an excuse but as an explanation of why I might react differently or not appreciate the ‘banter’.

An autistic brain works differently to that of a normal person, the social and emotional communications are reduced which is pretty self explanatory really. An autistic person can’t really read facial expressions, emotional expressions and struggle in social situations which I talked about in my last blog. 

Although not wanting to really moan about autism but one thing that does annoy me about it is the inability to read facial expressions, although not a nice thing to compare it to its almost like being blind, imagine going into social situation and not being able to read anything about the person not been able to see how they think to see how they feel it’s awful and I hate it. I always get my my friends to tell me when they’ve had enough or if I’m being a bit of a dick to be honest which I am quite often and I appreciate them doing this, I’d rather them be honest with me than me piss them off or upset them.

I often compare myself to Jack Russell not calling myself a dog although, for some people that don’t like me that may be a comparison you may like. I am extremely loyal to any of my friends and family  and will go to the end of the Earth for them and if anyone hurts them I will hurt them or if anyone hurts me I will hurt them. This has got me into trouble quite a lot as you can probably imagine I tend to not have a filter on my mouth and tend  just to say exactly how I feel and what I’m thinking..and if I think that you got a problem with me I will probably confront you about it. Which in a way I like about myself because I like to know where i  stand with people and would rather deal with the problem and just pussyfoot around it then for the issue to become bigger.

My temper even affect my family life there’s not a day goes by when we don’t have an argument and it will probably caused by me and my very short fuse. I have tried countless breathing methods and all that bullshit even been to see some help about it but the one place and person that can guarantee to calm me down is … My grandma, she’s my best friend and my biggest role model in life, I can talk to her about anything and she’ll listen and I don’t know what I’d do without her, I would  probably be a very nasty bitter person without her, and this blog wouldn’t exist as she encouraged me to write it and is my biggest fan! I hope that I make her proud not only in the blog but day to day!… Love you Grandma 😘

Isn’t she the words trendiest grandma! 

B x 

Autistic people CAN be social

Of the most common misconceptions you come across when  you tell people that you’re autistic is the surprise when they discover that you go out be it socially on a night out or just generally.. i don’t know what else they expect me to do, just because i have Asperger’s doesn’t mean I should hide away for years on end and just let life pass me by.

I intend to do the opposite, i want to grab life by the balls and cease every opportunity that passes me. i don’t want to end up 50 and have 100 cats which will probably eat me when i die.

For those that know me will know that im a member of Young Farmers. As cringey as this is about to sound I often think that young farmers saved me. One of my friends persuaded me to join when I was having a very dark period. I weighed about 6 stone went days without eating and months without going out. Even the simplest things such as going to the doctors or going to the supermarket would be a massive thing and would cause me so much stress you wouldn’t believe i was literally a shadow of my former self. Eating disorders are 46% more likely in people that have autism, although never diagnosed with anything looking back i knew I had an issue. Now I eat like a horse and tend to cost my grandma a fortune and put on about 1000 stone when I go and stay with her but grandma’s food is always the best food!

Young farmers has introduced me to so many amazing people, not only locally but within the county.  Its often described as a social club with a drinking problem.. this is the biggest understatement ever! The various competitions that take place allow the competitive side of me to pounce out and then the creative side allows my autistic brain to run wild!

Although I still struggle with crowds and being a HUGE control freak i’m so proud of the journey i have taken with the help of my amazing family and YFC family. It has not only accepted me for who i am but also allowed me to flourish and  to have a purpose.

My liver doesn’t like the decision as much to join as i do but it is honestly the best thing i have ever done and i cant entourage people enough it do it as you genuinely make friends for life!

B x